again, I'm late, and again, I have no time
Been awhile. Things have happened.
My best friends father died last week. It was a very sad turn of events. I could go long and detailed into the aspects of my friends father's death but I will not. Let us just say that it is a terrible tragedy and has made me reevaluate parts of my life.
This was the first time that I had to play the dual role as "friend" and "undertaker". I have taken care of friends loved ones before but not to the extent that this man is to me. I think of him as the brother I don't share an extended family with. He is, and has been intregral to my life for the last ten years or so. SO, needless to say, this was a hard one.
We basically did things like we had talked about doing things for years now. Kick out the formal B.S. and get down to the very essense of what makes the funeral ritual a positive one. He did everything at his house, and he did it very well. There was almost no place in ________'s house where you could not confront his father. There were pictures, posters, and "stuff" everywhere. There was food and drink and plenty of it. People congregated, friends laughed, cried and told stories, they laughed and cried again. I made a video of ______'s life in still images w/music. People cried again. and laughed.
It's funny. The "old guard" wanted a traditional service. In this case, my friend was the immediate next of kin and he had final say. What he gave them for a "service" was probably much harder to deal with than a "traditional" service, and probably much better.
What I have noticed throuout the years is how easy we make a funeral. You come, show up, listen to somebody yap for a while, and you go home. Nothing to it. The most important service is the one that forces you to confront that which you have come to confront. Not just the death of the friend/family/acquaintance but your own mortality as well. A funeral should bring to light that we are going TO BE SAD because we can't hang with so and so anymore. Many people want a "Celebration Of Life" service and while that is all well and good to celebrate the life, we need to acknowledge and embrace the death and confront its reality so that the service, (in whatever form) actually means something to us.
I know, I know, you are saying that by simply coming to a funeral we are already confronted by the intrinsic understanding that a death has occurred. I say yes, that is true, but why do we stop there and make it sanitized to point that leaves us with no value from the experience. I guess what I am really saying is why let tradition dictate what we should do for someone when that someone's life can dictate for us, what we should do. Some people NEED to see the dead loved one, some don't. Some people NEED to have "Wind Beneath My Wings" played at their Mom's graveside service, some don't. What everyone needs is a ritualistic event that helps to make "true" the fact that someone has died in their life and it will be necessary to make psychological adjustments to fit this new dimension of living. Everyone needs to acknowledge that a loss has occurred.
The side benefits of a funeral, the "perks" if you will, are that you are given the opportunity to realize ONCE AGAIN, (because you have probably been taking it for granted lately) that you have great people in your life that you love very much and you have not told them that often enough. ONCE AGAIN you get to realize that life is short and you need to make sure that you make the most of it because all of it can change in the blink of an eye.
Take nothing for granted everyday.
My best friends father died last week. It was a very sad turn of events. I could go long and detailed into the aspects of my friends father's death but I will not. Let us just say that it is a terrible tragedy and has made me reevaluate parts of my life.
This was the first time that I had to play the dual role as "friend" and "undertaker". I have taken care of friends loved ones before but not to the extent that this man is to me. I think of him as the brother I don't share an extended family with. He is, and has been intregral to my life for the last ten years or so. SO, needless to say, this was a hard one.
We basically did things like we had talked about doing things for years now. Kick out the formal B.S. and get down to the very essense of what makes the funeral ritual a positive one. He did everything at his house, and he did it very well. There was almost no place in ________'s house where you could not confront his father. There were pictures, posters, and "stuff" everywhere. There was food and drink and plenty of it. People congregated, friends laughed, cried and told stories, they laughed and cried again. I made a video of ______'s life in still images w/music. People cried again. and laughed.
It's funny. The "old guard" wanted a traditional service. In this case, my friend was the immediate next of kin and he had final say. What he gave them for a "service" was probably much harder to deal with than a "traditional" service, and probably much better.
What I have noticed throuout the years is how easy we make a funeral. You come, show up, listen to somebody yap for a while, and you go home. Nothing to it. The most important service is the one that forces you to confront that which you have come to confront. Not just the death of the friend/family/acquaintance but your own mortality as well. A funeral should bring to light that we are going TO BE SAD because we can't hang with so and so anymore. Many people want a "Celebration Of Life" service and while that is all well and good to celebrate the life, we need to acknowledge and embrace the death and confront its reality so that the service, (in whatever form) actually means something to us.
I know, I know, you are saying that by simply coming to a funeral we are already confronted by the intrinsic understanding that a death has occurred. I say yes, that is true, but why do we stop there and make it sanitized to point that leaves us with no value from the experience. I guess what I am really saying is why let tradition dictate what we should do for someone when that someone's life can dictate for us, what we should do. Some people NEED to see the dead loved one, some don't. Some people NEED to have "Wind Beneath My Wings" played at their Mom's graveside service, some don't. What everyone needs is a ritualistic event that helps to make "true" the fact that someone has died in their life and it will be necessary to make psychological adjustments to fit this new dimension of living. Everyone needs to acknowledge that a loss has occurred.
The side benefits of a funeral, the "perks" if you will, are that you are given the opportunity to realize ONCE AGAIN, (because you have probably been taking it for granted lately) that you have great people in your life that you love very much and you have not told them that often enough. ONCE AGAIN you get to realize that life is short and you need to make sure that you make the most of it because all of it can change in the blink of an eye.
Take nothing for granted everyday.
Comments
Sadly, the majority of weddings, funerals, and other popular social rituals I have attended lack much (if any) of this passion or risk, but instead are canned skits, where everyone plays their socially defined roles yet really don't seem to understand why. "Why do you do X, Y, or Z?" I ask. "Because that's what you do" is the essense of the answer. Well, for me that is NOT good enough. I want to know what it makes you feel, REALLY feel. And if it doesn't? Why the hell are you doing it??
Ahem. I am ranting. Pardon me. It's been a weird week.
Keep rocking the blog!
-beb
Where is the ritual
And tell me where where is the taste
Where is the sacrifice
And tell me where where is the faith
Someday there'll be a cure for pain
That's the day I throw my drugs away
When they find a cure for pain
Where is the cave
Where the wise woman went
And tell me where
Where's all that money that I spent
I propose a toast to my self control
You see it crawling helpless on the floor
Someday there'll be a cure for pain
That's the day I throw my drugs away
When they find a cure for pain (x2)
When they find a cure find a cure for pain
-"Cure for Pain", by Morphine