ALWAYS WEAR GLOVES

"ole' boy" wire, paper, glue,   spray paint  2022 king of the trash  he was created for halloween but i've realized this is a good technique for me. an excellent medium. my drawing skills are "ok" but hard to sell. art is fun game to play but you have to figure out what rules you want to play by. is this an artist statement? I suppose it is. why not? everybody has told me since i was born that i am a good artist. I am quite sure that's why i might be. confidence is everything. I don't think I am that good but i do know i have ideas that need to come out. getting paid to give them to other people seems fine to me. -Bkiv 11/2/2022  

We never face regret like we do at funerals. Shit, i am writing another fucking death post. Well, this one is personal so I will let it pass for the time being.  there is nothing more selfish than grief.   I don't think that we are ever really done with people that we love and that includes people that we don't know. That sadness that folks feel when their hero, even if it's someone they would never in a lifetime meet or know...dies,  is real and undeniable. we weren't done listening to them. reading their words. seeing them drive fast cars on the screen. we lose our celebrities and mourn them because like it or not, we have developed relationships regardless of "knowing" them. i realize that this notion is built on fantasy and escapism but shit, what good would life be without fantasy and escapism. Ugly, that's what it would be.  I will tell the truth here and say that I am writing this one because I have to write about my uncle kurt. most of this post pa...

I think this will be a part of a series of letters I write to people I am intrigued with and have something to say to even though I  have no idea if the letter will even reach them. this one has a doozy in it that I have only eluded to in the past.   Dear Jeff Tweedy,  It's pretty weird to be writing you a letter. Going over it last night as I was attempting to sleep did not account for thinking about you actually reading it. I have had this project in mind that involved sending postcards to "people of note" but hadn't tried to look up any addresses on the internet until last night. After reading about the new box set of Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, I decided to look up your address on google and much to my surprise, a fairly reasonable address popped up for you. I haven't written a letter that wasn't electronically transmitted since the technology first came to be.  This could DEFINITELY be considered a fan letter. I don't know how many of those you get but this...

NOW THAT i AM A FULL TIME GROCERY STORE EMPLOYEE, IV'E BEEN GIVEN PAUSE TO THINK ABOUT GREAT and historical GROCERY FIGURES, COUNTER CULTURE IF YOU WILL. i HAVE KNOWN THROUGHOUT LIFE. iT'S AN ARTFORM, YOU KNOW?  first though, i decided to start delivering for door-dash on my scooter. I think it could be the way to game the system they have in place. I can use the scooter and not worry about silly miles on the van and i get about 100 mpg with the motorcycle vs. 17 in the van. that seems helpful? Well, fucked up the first time I dashed and drove needlessly out of my way for not very much $ per hour but i won't get fooled again. it was hilarious and dangerous and frivolous and pretty fun.  that being said, door dashing does not involve management or much customer service. it's an evil way to make money with an evil system. I need to figure out how to sell weed while I do it to offset my karma. shouldn't be too hard to figure out.  there was a grocery checker in the 19...

I am being trained at the market for some "manager" duties. this is a giant mistake on their part. it's my fault that they have embarked on this mission but that doesn't make the decision to do so any wiser on their part.  what happened was that I got involved with a possible second job delivering bread for an amazing local bakery. I had about 72 hours of decision making crashing around in my head last weekend. i worked a shadow shift with the bread folx. before we even got in the truck the owner had offered me a position with the company that i really had TO ponder. it was better money, better people and definitely reflected my worth in the eyes of the bread company. they are friends and know the recent past as far as the restaurant/pub was concerned so it was a nice stroke to the bartego to feel wanted for reasons of reputation. more on that later i guess.  the big issue, among a few minor issues, was that i would have to quit the market job to do the delivery job. ...

FUCK REALTORS WE'VE ALL BEEN WORKING ON OUR IDENTITIES OUR entire lives right? some more than others. I have certainly been creating a persona over the last 10 years. I had a somewhat different one before that, I guess. How much does what we "do" end up being what we "are" is a difficult question, for me anyway...I have been involved in using my "personality" as my career in many ways for many years now. It's only been in the last few that I have  genuinely realized and accepted that. I am good at making people feel good. really good actually. that gets me in trouble in relationships beyond the counter. I sell well. I show well. the fucky part is that it's easy for others to place what they need for themselves upon me. i translate those needs back to people and it makes them feel like they are cared for, listened to and in the end, understood. I think this is true anyway.   what do i get from this. well, i feel good about making others feel goo...

I was working at the market yesterday, allegedly working. kids these days I tell you what...i know it's me, it's not age. I surround myself with plenty of people "my age" they don't act like I do. I am too much for most people my age. whimsical irreverence is freedom. Maybe bob봅 taught me that? I just don't care  that much about the affairs of others. It's amazing how much people care about shit that is inconsequential to them. if they even thought about that stuff. (*I also know that I am allowed to be the way I am out of extreme privilege. I don't worry too much about financial stuff because I am generally broke, i don't give  a fuck about possessions, and i think money is stupid and meant to be spent or burned (THanks star trek).  I make it happen when it needs to happen but I recognize that if shit hits the fan, i can probably get bailed out by my parents who moved on the crab long ago. good decisions, hard work and good fucking ethics put them...

I am currently watching all of TNG in sequential order. We are at S5E26. It has been ENGAGING to say the least. A few things: 1. Trek doesn't give a fuck about inconsistency. the keystone cops of the federation bumbled their way into saving the whales by warping around THE SUN in stolen a KLINGON BIRD OF PREY owned by Doc Brown. from then on the time has time travelling capability AND a cloaking device . TNG Enterprise ( s7e5 ) had to  borrow a device from the Klingons during some Romulan kerfuffle. BULLSHIT 2. guinan. i personally think she could have been a bit more helpful.   3. Riker is a dog. 4. there's  obviously  a lot more but i just bored myself into stopping at this point.    Th e best thing about Trek is that it showcases the best it could be in the future with still allowing for human idiocy. replicators changed it all. imagine living in a world with out realtors. i can't wait for the future.  WORKING AT THE MARKET HAS BEEN MESSING WIT...

Haven't been able to sleep lately. Just crushed 5 hours. PINK FUZZ   on the headphones now. Got some arts done yesterday. More today. What a life.  I had coffee with a friend yesterday, a real friend but also a major 'splainer. His wisdom is fine but rarely necessary. I HAVE HOWEVER, taken from him a better understanding of grace and forgiveness. People are all flawed. Thats the truth. It's OK to take what you need. Offering that to yourself is terribly important.  The story behind the image above can be found by clicking upon it. Anyway, here's to habits and such. Don't piss into any wooden nickels. It takes an awfully big dog to weigh an Uzi. I drew the pictures below on an airplane high on LEGAL DRUGS. I DREW THEM EXCLUSIVELY FOR MY EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD SON TO WAKE UP TO.                     

Obviously a post from the past. I FUCKED UP AND MOVED IT AND THIS BLOGGER APP IS SO OLD IT FORGOT WHERE IT WENT.  Gonna put it up here anyway.  Filler up. There is a curse in living where you grew up. I have lived in _____ for 40 years excluding a few years in _________ and ______. Over those years I have met many folks, I have many friends and have very few enemies (to my knowledge). I have much love and connection in this town and with that comes pain. This job I do really makes me confront my time here on earth. It's never easy but there are times when it becomes much harder. I do not consider myself a particularly weak person but there are days that I feel pretty beat down by it all.  My problem is, I know too much.  What I am confronting right now is just how thick my callouses have become. I don't mind the smell of decomposing bodies, I don't flinch at gaping gunshot wounds, it never surprises me to find stomach contents filled with partially digested pills...

I can't sleep worth a shit these days. My schedule is pretty wacky. I have a job again. Working at the M&W market. So strange really, all these years of going there for everything. Jesus. Just thinking about a million years ago moving in with my parents house with those two boys. Blowing up worlds. So much unknowing caring so much about unknowing. just keeping it together. M&W was there. Thanks for all the beers!.  I quit drinking. Can you believe I did that? CRAZY! feels really good. I kinda hate that shit now. Such a great way to not do it anymore. Sort of like the pills? That hurt more. I didn't tell you about that. I don't think I want to. No one knew. How insane. So fucked in that basement. Writing around in sweat and hatred.  I quit drinking because I couldn't look myself in the eye anymore. Shame is a heavy bitch. Guilt is a dagger. Am I over all that shit? I might be. I am almost 50. That's fucked huh?  I live with a girl now. Close to where I used t...