oh who knows. me, you, otherwise, etc.

I have come to the conclusion that we are what we have become. That's all. You can look back and regret. You can look back and rejoice. I don't think any of the past matters unless you are willing to examine and realize what it has made of you now. The "future" is only what we may hope and strive for if we are willing to hope and strive for it. Perserverence is a possibility I suppose, but many aspects can interfere with the most dutiful hopes.

hmmm, what the hell was that all about anyway?

I have been in a slump of sorts. Not a slump that is preventing me per se, but one that has allowed me to sit back and relax little bit and just be. I don't want as much these days. These wants used to be tied to the desire to need more out of what I already have. What I already have has , on one hand become a bit stagnant, and is definetly only tied to "work". Home life takes on a completely different self and in that self, I could not be happier. The stagnation comes from just doing the same damn things that I have been doing for a few years now and as much as I have raised the bar for myself in this regard, I am feeling much less inclined to raise the bar much further, and this embodies the "other hand". On this said other hand, I am actually feeling some peace from not having to have greater hopes and dreams for the future of my work. I am actually quite comfortable being what I am and doing what I do. I just don't have the same desires to set the world on fire as much anymore. At least in the regard that I have in the past. In the regard that I had decided was the wayI thought I needed to. All of this kind of scares me because it leads me to believe that I don't have too many years left in me to do what I do now. I just don't think that I will want to. I just don't buy into all of this with the same fervor that I once did. All of this ramping down leads me to the question of what I will do next.

I come to these "conclusions" because I don't necassarily see a great future in the funeral industry or at least not a future I really want to be a part of I guess. The fact that it is such an "industry" might be a big part of this doomed vision. I just don't see the industry going in the direction that will help anyone any better than it has since we started all this stuff. I need to see it getting better, not just ambling on down the current path of TRADITION for the sake of ritual. Specific personalized ritual should be the focus and the goal and if tradition helps to create this mode then we should keep it, if it doesn't, we should throw it the fuck out. What I see every day is a group of people that march blindly towards what we have done in the past without understanding why in an effort to make sense of a future that can not be counted upon. I am unfortunately a large part of this march and this toubles me to a certain extent. I do not believe that the current model hurts american society on the whole, as long as it is accomplished ethically and compassionately. I do think, however, that the current model needs to sway back to a more "personally responsible" mode if we are going to grow as a culture of aware and illuminated beings. In many ways I want american humans to become better beings and accept more of a burden for being human. My window on this need comes from working with people at their most vulnerable and I think probably most times, when they are most human. When people allow themselves or at least continue to be simply "american beings" (for the lack of a better term) and not "human beings" we, (oh yes I include myself) allow ourselves to be a part of a larger culture to fail and blame and not to succeed and accept.

I need to finish this later, it's time for me to go to work.