Well, after a HUGE hiatus, I might be back. It has been so long since my last submission, I am not really sure why I am even bothering. On thing is for sure, when I posted more frequently, (ha!) my hatredfortheindustry meter was kept in the low yellows more often. Over the past year (almost) since I published last I have hit levels I did not even know were possible. The best part about the frustration is that it had everything to do with me and really nothing to do with anything else. I have made peace with that now and hopefully I will allow myself to move on.
You see, I really have been blogging, just not here. A couple of examples are: bikes and rec and more recently pedal and paddle . Neither of which have anything to do with being a mortician but have everything to do with being alive. I like being alive, it feels good if you are doing it right. If you go to either of these sites you will quickly realize that they have very little writing involved in them and have much more to do with folly. This site has had very little to do with folly (well maybe a little, but not much) and I don't think I will change that aspect very much. However, a huge part of me has changed in how I see myself in this world (mortician land) and how I need to interact with it in order to keep doing it well. I have said many times in the past that a mortician needs to be full of fire to be effective, I still believe that. I lost my fire in this last 8 months or so and am just now getting it back. I am realizing now that the fire was never gone, it just moved around a little bit. Getting used to that has been a strange experience to say the least...
I was blaming much of my strife on the supposition that I did not think that my employer was doing enough for me or the business. When I realized that they were not only doing all they could, but also were paying me an incredible wage (with benefits!) for my educational background I decided that none of that shit was appropriate to complain about anymore. If I was unhappy, that was my deal to figure out, not theirs. I decried the industry (and still do) about how unfairly it treats the customer at large for the sake of profit and how the model has not changed since 1865. These are both still great issues for the industry but not for me, I don't operate from that position so why do I care. I am not trapped by tradition or greed so why do I care if they are?
So what is the big whoop? What HAS been my problem? Well, I don't really know but it seems to have passed. I don't like going out at 3:30 am to remove the expired from their place of demise as much as I used to. I don't like hanging out with dysfunctional rednecks fighting over who is going to get Mama's cremated remains. I despise having the same conversation about my job that I have had for over 12 years now. I am sick of trying to be everything for everyone. All that being said the real question is what am I going to do about it? I'll tell you what I am going to do about it. I am going to fake it.
Previously when encountering these maladies in my life I would allow my great powers of empathy turn my hatred into compassion by REALLY REALLY believing in all of this bullshit. Believing to the point that I convinced myself that I was either destined by the hand of God to be doing this mighty work or that without me none of this could ever be possible.
Now I know a little differently. I know I like my life. I love my kids; my wife; my friends; my bike(s). I know that without my job, I can't have my life in the way that I know it now and I am not quite ready to give up on my current way of living life. I am still going to be the best mortician you will ever have to meet. I am still going to be honest and realistic about what I feel to be horribly wrong about the industry. I am still going to think my bosses could do more to grow the business. I am still going to HATE getting up at 3:30 am to remove something that literally will not be going anywhere soon. The difference now is mostly in my heart and I think I might have alluded to this in the past but I am caring less and less about this profession. I used to think that it was one of the most important things anyone could do. I now think that this profession could be one of the biggest scams put upon the American public (I won't go into all of that now but I will later).
I realized in my last 8 months that I could not live with where my head was at in this business and continue to do this business. I thought many things were becoming to much for me handle and still function. What I was really experiencing was that I was sick of my self and how much I had wrapped my ego up into "what it means" to be a funeral director. I still think that all of those things matter but also know that I DO those things and that is all that needs to be done. I have realized that I can hate this industry and be a part of it and not lose myself along the way. That is a freeing place to be for me right now. And let me tell you buddy, now is all we have.
I promise I will post more soon (I have said THAT before huh!) and maybe even take you down some weird roads I have not traveled with you before. Did you know I have a theory that there are periods or "windows" of time that groups of people die during based on numbers they hold in common? YEAH, I DO!
