going to the airport

Just stopping by to drop off the cot and head off to pick up a loved one at air cargo. (NO, not my loved one, their loved one.)

Haven't posted in awhile again. Let's see if I can bring something up that will do nicely. ...

Nope.

There is talk of getting DSL at home. that would be nice wouldn't it.

OK, here is what I have:

I meet people at their most vulnerable. I am in the the wrong place, at the wrong time.
I try not to make it worse.
Dead people look better when they are embalmed.
Embalming is an art-form.
Twenty years from now, no one will be embalmed.
People need to have funerals, (or at least some ritualized event that calls attention to the passing of a loved individual and celebrates their life and mourns their death. that is a funeral.)
The Flaming Lips rule.

again, I'm late, and again, I have no time

Been awhile. Things have happened.

My best friends father died last week. It was a very sad turn of events. I could go long and detailed into the aspects of my friends father's death but I will not. Let us just say that it is a terrible tragedy and has made me reevaluate parts of my life.

This was the first time that I had to play the dual role as "friend" and "undertaker". I have taken care of friends loved ones before but not to the extent that this man is to me. I think of him as the brother I don't share an extended family with. He is, and has been intregral to my life for the last ten years or so. SO, needless to say, this was a hard one.

We basically did things like we had talked about doing things for years now. Kick out the formal B.S. and get down to the very essense of what makes the funeral ritual a positive one. He did everything at his house, and he did it very well. There was almost no place in ________'s house where you could not confront his father. There were pictures, posters, and "stuff" everywhere. There was food and drink and plenty of it. People congregated, friends laughed, cried and told stories, they laughed and cried again. I made a video of ______'s life in still images w/music. People cried again. and laughed.

It's funny. The "old guard" wanted a traditional service. In this case, my friend was the immediate next of kin and he had final say. What he gave them for a "service" was probably much harder to deal with than a "traditional" service, and probably much better.

What I have noticed throuout the years is how easy we make a funeral. You come, show up, listen to somebody yap for a while, and you go home. Nothing to it. The most important service is the one that forces you to confront that which you have come to confront. Not just the death of the friend/family/acquaintance but your own mortality as well. A funeral should bring to light that we are going TO BE SAD because we can't hang with so and so anymore. Many people want a "Celebration Of Life" service and while that is all well and good to celebrate the life, we need to acknowledge and embrace the death and confront its reality so that the service, (in whatever form) actually means something to us.

I know, I know, you are saying that by simply coming to a funeral we are already confronted by the intrinsic understanding that a death has occurred. I say yes, that is true, but why do we stop there and make it sanitized to point that leaves us with no value from the experience. I guess what I am really saying is why let tradition dictate what we should do for someone when that someone's life can dictate for us, what we should do. Some people NEED to see the dead loved one, some don't. Some people NEED to have "Wind Beneath My Wings" played at their Mom's graveside service, some don't. What everyone needs is a ritualistic event that helps to make "true" the fact that someone has died in their life and it will be necessary to make psychological adjustments to fit this new dimension of living. Everyone needs to acknowledge that a loss has occurred.

The side benefits of a funeral, the "perks" if you will, are that you are given the opportunity to realize ONCE AGAIN, (because you have probably been taking it for granted lately) that you have great people in your life that you love very much and you have not told them that often enough. ONCE AGAIN you get to realize that life is short and you need to make sure that you make the most of it because all of it can change in the blink of an eye.

Take nothing for granted everyday.

first post with silly ads

Who am I to think that google ads won't bother you? Why shouldn't I try? Luckily no one ever reads this anyway and has become mostly an excuse for me to wonk merrily along in my own private cyber confessional.

It has been a long time since my last confession...

We are a funeral home that still shows full caskets. we have a room that allows one to peruse the boxes, kick the tires, open and close the lids, (with help from me please, THOSE HINGES WILL BEND IF YOU ARE NOT A PROFESSIONAL SUCH AS I!), touch the fabric, etc. I like those caskets in all of their glory. It is my "reality room". Nothing brings it home like 25 or so open mawed-wood-steel or cardboard caskets screaming "A DEATH HAS OCCURED!". It helps me do my job of bringing a sense of "why we are really here".

However, caskets are large and when you bring 25 or so of them into a room you tend to take up a whole bunch of room. SO, we at ______ - ________ Funeral Chapel are inching slowly (and I do mean inching!) towards selling caskets out of a book. yes a book. you may ask "why would you subject the public to something so simple and sinister as a mere catalog of wares?" I would answer you, "good sir/madam, for the sake of the reception. " we need a room to put people in so that they can get to work on the best part of the funeral experience, the meal. Nothing allows people to better understand what they just went through/are going through then a gathering of friends and family and food. It is a most excellent way to put things into perspective.

Along with this remodel will come the "tearing out of the pews". we will replace them with cushy chairs that we can set up/tear down depending on the needs of the service. I think I might even get my new sound system out of this deal (If I am a good boy).

All of these things are an excellent first step for us into the new millennium of funeral service. we need to re-create what it means to be "funeral directors" and part of that is understanding that we are SO MUCH more than funeral directors. We are "the keepers of the ritual" and always have been. What is happening around us is that the rituals are changing and we need to stay on top of that. We need to offer people a safe place to grieve, that is what we have done since the inception of the "funeral home" in the early 1900's in America. It has been very easy for us to latch on to the "mode" set forth by early pioneers in the "death-care industry" but very hard for us to submit to changes in that mode. People care less and less about caskets and embalming and long processions and laminated obituaries. They care less and less for organ music, for viewing corpses, for limousines carrying pallbearers. And it is interesting, these aforementioned things have traditionally acted as our rituals on grieving and caring for our dead. I do not want to lose what these traditions have done for us, I just want to make sure that they still work. I think that the American psyche is growing beyond what we offer, and by growing beyond these rituals, they simply lose their value, and that is dangerous to my profession, as well as to the grieving American psyche.

"the industry" has RAILED against the coming tide of cremation. Why? Because "the industry" is so completely afraid of change. They have been able to simply ride along on the coattails of traditional funeral service and hoped that people would simply continue to buy into it.

The curtain is falling and funeral directors need to understand that.

just a post.

I sit here and forget what it was I was going to write. I have been going through some "training" lately that involved clergy leaders and hospice/social workers. The last two days have been sort of exausting and now I think I am finnally getting the sickness from my family unit that I thought that I had evaded.

Let's see, something poignant...something wise...hmmmm.....

Well, I am sitting here at work tonight tending to a Pentecostal Russian service. That is pretty interesting isn't it? The singing is beautiful. I can't understand Russian. They are pretty self-serve folks. I have tried to be very attentive to their needs in the past and it seems to be of little consequence. In the end, the service will start at some undisclosed time, a man will preach, they will sing, another man will preach, they will sing, another man will preach, they will sing, it will end. Oh, there doing the one thing again, the man will start preaching with a sort of pleading and get increasingly more intense as the congregation starts to mumble and pray behind him, he then kind of ramps down and they sing again. I think the service is almost over.... nope....more singing. God, the singing is haunting. It's beautiful though. Lamenting. Sorrowful.

greener pastures

I am losing a colleague this week. He is moving on to greener pastures. I have known for some time that he might leave and it is strange to finally confront this fact.

This person was here when I got here and has been here for a long time. 10 years I guess. He has seen much over his tenure and I have attempted to download this knowledge to the best of my ability.

He has made comments this week that have troubled me, and that is why his leaving has left me with a strange taste in my mouth. He said that while looking for a job he realized that the employment opportunities were plentiful. He said that if you needed a job, that they were everywhere. What is troubling me is that he seems to simply consider this profession “just a job”, a simple set of skillsets learned that could be applied “anywhere”. while that logic is true to the most extent it seems to ignore the fact that this “job” is so much more than that, (at least in my mind). To put in 10 years at a place and realize, in his mind, that we are supplantable “anywhere” gives me great pause.

I then think about the way I do business. In my mind, every day is an opportunity to connect with the very core of human existence. It is the gift that has been bestowed upon me. It is my duty to care. I simply have an unspoken contract with this entire community that I will be here for them. I will serve them in their time of need. It is my destiny.
This, of course, is not something that I will say will stay the same throughout my life. Life must change and evolve in order to grow. This growth, however, must not be at the expense of the investment and knowledge gained before it. Growth should also never come at the expense of an unwillingness to start over. If the foundation itself is flawed, there is no reason to attempt to build upon it. The house will simply fall again.

OBI-WAN : I have a bad feeling about this.
QUI-GON : I don't sense anything.
OBI-WAN : It's not about the mission, Master, it's something...elsewhere...elusive.
QUI-GON : Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.
OBI-WAN : Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...
QUI-GON : .....but not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living Force, my young Padawan.

a typical day, (anonymized and recycled)

I am awakened at 3:30 AM by my pager. I climb out of bed and call the number listed on the screen. it is the number of the other funeral director that I share my “on call” duties with. He tells me that we have a “house call” and to meet him at the funeral home. we meet and then embark on a journey to a house that is somewhere in the valley. This could be anywhere from the _____of ______ to ______ to the ditch on Mile Marker 87 . If the death occurred at a hospital or care facility I would be going alone For the sake of the scenario we will say it is a house in _____. After arriving at the home my colleague and I will gather some limited information from the family present at the house and then “remove” the deceased’s body from the house. We use an ambulance-like gurney to do this. The reason we have two people go on these calls is typically because you never know where someone is going to die. Most of the time it is in a bed, but many times it can be in the tub, or on the toilet, or wedged between the toilet and the tub. Death has no preferences. During this time I will gather some info about how the family would like to proceed. Cremation? Burial? Ship-out to Texas? Direct cremation? Funeral service with the body present and cremation to follow with the ashes scattered in the _________ Wilderness area? All are options. Usually we will have the family call us in the “morning” or the next day to set up a time that we can get together and discuss these details. Again, for the sake of the scenario we will say that the family would like to meet us at 1:00 PM later that day to go over arrangements. (On Six Feet Under they call this an “intake”, I hate that. And speaking of that show, don’t let HBO educate you on how funeral homes work. While it has been amazing for the industry to finally get some light shed on it’s dark corners, it is more about a dysfunctional family than it is about funeral service. Ask me why sometime…)
So, at 4:00 AM the family told us that they would be having a traditional service with a viewing and all that jazz. We will say that we buried “Dad” 7 years ago and they want the same thing for “Mom”. We will also say that the deceased is 95 years old. That age tells me a lot most of the time. It usually means that they will have a funeral service much like everyone that age has. A minister will lead the ceremony, “The Old Rugged Cross” or “In the Garden” will be played as music. It also means that this person has probably outlived most of their friends so the service will be small. So at 4:30 AM I know I will have to embalm this person so they can be viewed at a later date. This procedure gets the best results if I can perform it as soon as I can after the person dies. Nature takes over pretty fast so if I can get ahead of those natural processes, my job is easier. (I would be happy to explain the embalming procedure in detail if anyone gives a shit, but at this time and just going to leave it alone).
At 5:30 or 6:00 I will be thinking about going home to get ready to come to work. I usually try and get to the funeral home at 8:30 or so and this day will be no different. We could have three services scheduled for the day and we need to get ready to do that so…I will go home, shower, shave put on the suit (at night I always where slacks, a tie, nice shirt and a blazer, usually not a real “suit” per se) kiss me wife and children and go back to work. When I get there we will have short meeting to discuss what may have happened during the night, what we need to do to get ready for services of the day, and any other concerns that we may have concerning business. I will be drinking copious amounts of coffee at this time.
At 1:00 PM I will meet with the family and we will begin planning the services of the deceased that I picked up nine hours ago. This is where I do most of my “work”. I don’t know how many of you might think that a mortician is someone that drives around in a meat-wagon grabbin’ bodies and embalming all day long but let me tell you now, that is actually the smallest amount of what my job consists of. What my real “job” consists of is the production of a ritualized farewell. My whole job is to construct a meaningful representation of a life lived based on what I am told and what I can gather from a family during this “arrangement conference”. Now, in the scenario that I have already offered, my hands will be somewhat tied. This family will want what “Dad” had, and that was a “traditional” funeral arrangement. This funeral is the model that has not really changed since its inception during the civil war. Person dies, body is embalmed, body is put on display for all those concerned to come and look at, body is present at the religion based funeral ceremony, body is taken (in a formal procession) to the cemetery where body is buried under religious rites. Lots of prayers, lots of scripture, lots of pomp and circumstance. This model works for those who need it, it seems to get the job done most of the time. If this person was young when they died or this person did not have “religion” this model does not work and should immediately be thrown out and different things need to take place. If the family wishes to have cremation be the final disposition of their loved one but would still like to have a service at our chapel (or anywhere) then my job changes a bit. It will be my job to help construct a meaningful ceremony without this body present. Pictures, objects, stories, anything I can get the family to tell me or offer to me will then be a part of this ritual. My new “thing” is video. I am in the process of producing memorial tribute videos that can be shown at the service to take the place of that body. Basically a slide show with cool tunes that represents the life of the deceased. I am also very interested in people speaking at the service about the life of the individual. I encourage an “open mike” time for those that can talk to do so. This is not always very easy for people to do but this is not an easy time, and it should not be. I see the funeral as a time for families and friends to work a little bit. This is why I am so opposed to “pre-planning” the funeral. In my scenario it would be very typical if the deceased already had everything taken care of before the death even took place. This would probably be ok in this situation given the age of the deceased but in the case where well-meaning people pre-plan their funerals and tell the kids “it’s all taken care of “ it can sometimes rob the survivors of the much needed “work” they need to do. A funeral is, obviously, not an easy thing to get through, but without some involvement by those that cared for the deceased, the benefit of the ritual is completely lost.
WE NEED RITUAL! American humans are almost bankrupt of it. Our rituals these days are handed to us through commodified holidays that allow us to buy our way through times that have traditionally been opportunities to get together and, at the very least, tell each other that we love each other and that we care about what is happening in our lives. Death is such a fucking taboo subject that we don’t even question it’s implications anymore. When Mom gets to old to deal with anymore you put her in a home. When she starts to die you hook her up to a feeding tube. Meat comes from the grocery store.
My day to day activity consists of writing obituaries, calling cemeteries, getting a hold of ministers to perform ceremonies, finding “that one song, you know that one that Shania sings ‘looks like we made it…da da da da da’, printing folders, calling insurance companies, filing death certificates, making sure that I have a bagpiper for Thursday, etc. all in the name of ritual. All in the hope that I can hopefully START a family on a path that allows them to say “goodbye” to a loved one. I need to inject enough of a dose of reality and ritualization that helps them begin the process letting go of someone and putting that person in a new place in their head. Or in heaven. Or back to mother earth. Wherever. I work 10 days in a row (six of those on call) and then get 4 days off.
I REALLY miss hanging out on the patio of ________ or hiding in the back of ________ drinking large quantities beer. I REALLY miss you guys and gals out there in ________ land. I need to tell you all how much I love you all. If there is one thing that this job has taught me over the years is that, (and I think we all know this pretty well) life is fragile. We are soft little creatures that smoosh easily. We need to always take the time to let the petty shit go. We need to love each other fiercely and tell each other that often.
This little tirade of mine makes me look like I am some sort of monster that does nothing but live a life of servitude and martyrdom. Let me attempt to amend this. I also have another life. I have been blessed by the arrivals of two persons in my life named ______ and ______. They are my _______ and are 3 and 1. I can’t explain to you what they means to me. The only way to find out is to find someone you love dearly and have some of your own. They are the most important things I have ever been a part of.
WHEW! Thanks for listening, and I am sorry you had to go through this with me but I have needed to do this for a long time and it feels good to get it out.

recycled essay for Morticians/Funeral Directors that might be reading this blog

When people ask you, “How can you do what you do?” what do you tell them? If you say, “Well, someone has to do it”

PLEASE QUIT NOW. GO SELL CARS.

If you do not think that you are the luckiest human on earth to be given the privilege of caring for the bereaved and their dead then I am not sure the industry needs you any longer.

When someone asks you, “Doesn’t this job get you down? Are you depressed all of the time” and you reply, “No, nothing really bothers me anymore”

GET OUT OF THE BUSINESS, YOU ARE NO GOOD TO US ANY MORE. LEARN TO CUT HAIR.

This job absolutely has to weigh you down on a day to day basis. We need to cry when funerals touch our hearts. That is how we know that we are still caring. When I go to someone’s home at 3:30 AM and I meet a person that is so lost in terror and grief because their loved one has just died. My heart BETTER go out to them. When I get that same person into the arrangement room the next day and we begin the process of creating a meaningful experience for them to take part in, and I notice a glimmer of hope in their eye, I BETTER realize that what I am doing is important. When I suggest that we fill the funeral home with paintings the deceased created and have ourselves an “art show” during the visitation and the funeral, and the survivors eyes light up and there is the beginning of a smile and they say, “You can do that?” I BETTER understand that I should be honored to take part in this experience. Finally, when we get to the graveside, and the services have concluded, and I am handing over the “pouch” with all of the cards and thank you notes inside, and the survivor, with tears of hope and joy in their eyes, embraces me in a hug or handshake and says, “Thank you, for all that you do” I know what I have done is good and nothing can make me feel much better than that.
If you are working as a funeral director/mortician to pay the bills, you are not in it for the right reasons, you should find something else to do. I guess the real question here is where is the meaning in your life? Why do you do ANYTHING you do? If you are plodding through your career simply to put food on the table for your family, you not only owe your family more than that, you owe yourself more than that. If there is one thing we better have figured out in this dismal trade is that pianos do fall from the sky all of the time. Why then would we do something that we do not absolutely think is the most amazing thing that we could possibly do?
I believe that the two most important events in a human beings existence are being part of a birth and taking part in a death. Neither of these events can be explained or understood by those that are actually partaking in them, they are experienced by the people who are affected by them. These are the most important times of any humans life. We should feel blessed, honored and proud to be able to be lucky enough to be a part of these experiences. We have a privileged duty that has been bestowed upon us, and that makes us very special. Let us never forget that. If you have forgotten that, or, you never believed it, get out.

my new favorite word

Vociferous
Definition:

[adj] conspicuously and offensively loud; given to vehement outcry; "blatant radios"; "a clamorous uproar"; "strident demands"; "a vociferous mob"


Synonyms:

blatant, clamant, clamorous, noisy, strident

Bush said it during the last debate. I don't think he meant it the way he said it.

In other news:

the week goes well. I created a memorial video last night. My most effecient endeavor to date. I have the process relatively "dialed in" now.

I was accosted (in a most friendly way) today by a Jehovah's Witness. He told me all sorts of things about the truth. I listened for awhile, nodded and smiled, listened intently, and then decided that I had had enough. I explained to him (in a most friendly way) that what he spoke of as "truth" was a simple reflection of his faith. He believed it, and that made it true. I don't believe it, so I don't think it's true. Doesn't mean we can't be friends. Faith is a strange bird. It bridges gaps of the unknown. I love the unknown, I find solace in it I suppose.

On my way home tonight, I think I will purchase the "new" Brian Wilson album: SMILE! I am very excited.

Gosh. I have run out of things to say that seem pertinent to the moment. One of these days I am going to do a MASSIVE post of what I really do. But that day is not today.

Monday on Wednesday

Back from days off and glad for it. Walked into work this morning to be greeted with a slow house and a fresh family to meet with at 11:00. Perfect. I love being able to come in here after days off and get my feet wet slowly. It always takes longer to adjust when its balls to the wall before you get your first cup of coffee.

Family this morning was sweet. Kind, caring, TIGHT little unit that obviously was going to miss the old guy. They kept him at home for as long as they possibly could. He spent most of his time dying at home on hospice with only a few weeks in a nursing home when it just got to be too much for his wife. I respect that highly. So many people these days are willing to shuttle "mom" off to the home before they even attempt to try and take it on themselves. I suppose it could be an indication of how much investment "mom" put in, but most of the time it seems like it's simply a matter of convenience for the family. It is not always about convenience folks. Sometimes its about doing it the hard way. The less convenient path is usually the one that offers the most rewards.

leave

I work 10 days in a row, then get 4 days off. 6 of the 10 days are spent being "on call" at night. This means that at any given moment of the night/early morning, I must get up out of bed, put on a tie, and go to gather a loved one from wherever they might pass on. Home, hospital, care facility, side-of-the-road, 2nd story-no elevator-three-hundred-pounds. any time, night or day, now questions asked. I am about a half an hour away from my highly coveted 4 days off and am looking extremely forward to it. It can be said, however, that I do not dread my "days on" though. I just need the 4 days to recharge the old batteries.

It was a good week.

another quick one, with a promise...

I am promising myself to really sit down and pound out my manifesto on this thing in the next couple of days. Right now I am waiting for my colleague to show up so that we can go to a house and pick up someone's loved one. I really need to wake up early one morning and sit down with a cup and explain myself. That won't be happening right now but I do foresee it in the future. For now let's postulate on presence...

I had a service today with a particularly good minister. Two things that he did impressed me greatly. One: he didn't use the podium or the microphone. He didn't need to! there were only about twenty people in the chapel. Not everyone would be able to step out form behind that box and just talk to the "congregation" (I still don't really know what to call a group of people at a funeral. "the grieving" doesn't work and "the crowd" seems to cold so we'll just have to keep mulling that one around for awhile. ) Two: he had presence. He had enough presence to simply express and console without PREACHING at these people. It was pretty simple really. He explained why they were there, (someone died) gave them permission to grieve, and opened a window to say good-bye. Not rocket science but he did it with tact and sincerity. What he did not do was tell them it was all going to be okay because the loved one believed in jesus and that made it all fine. He allowed them to be human and be sad. Amen.

First Post

Today has been a very normal day at the mortuary. I had no families to meet with but have plenty to do right now. I really should not be wasting my time posting. I really need to get this thing started though. I think this will be good for us.

SO! I have two bodies to cosmetize and place into their caskets for tomorrow and the next day. Neither one is going to have a very extended viewing, (an hour before the service) but I would like to get it done so I won't have to worry about it later.

I need to think up names for everyone here....Maybe they will all get avatars of some sort...hmmmmmmm...I will have to get back to this later.