posting an old interview cause I have been too lazy to post anything for way too long.

Name: A. Mortician

Age: 33

Occupation: “Mortician”

Place of employment: Almost Anytown, USA

How long have you been a practicing mortician?

I will have been licensed in the state of for five years on July 2006, however, I completed my apprenticeship about ten years ago. In between those times I was “actively” engaged in education and training to become a licensed mortician.

Do you recall the moment when you decided to be a mortician?

I was leaving my apartment with colleague of mine and we were going to go play disc and drink beer in down town . I was unemployed and living off of my parents good will. My mother, who was working her ass off as a health occupations teacher in the school district drove by me and my colleague. She saw exactly what I was up to and gave me the death-glare that only a mother can give a son. I turned to my colleague and said, “Dude, I gotta go get a job”.

That’s not really fair though, I did have some interest previously, it wasn’t completely out of alcholism and fear that I “chose” this line of work, I do believe it chose me.

About a year prior to the incident outside my apartment, I was in . Helping my mom take care my cousins. Her brother is a mortician and his wife was out of town, hence the reason we were their helping out. One evening we were hanging out at the house when my uncles pager went off. He made a phone call and ascertained that he needed to “go on a call” he then asked me if I wanted to go. I did.

We arrived at a home in a residential neighborhood and their were police officers with oxygen tanks/masks in the front yard. It was probably July and was at least 100 degrees out. My uncle went into the home and quickly came out with a sour look upon his slightly smiling mug. “Baptism” he said. We entered the home together and found a dead human body on a bed in a back bedroom. He probably weighed 300 lbs. And looked like nothing I had ever seen. He had been “down” for about a week or so in the heat. He was found by neighbors who were complaining about an odor eminating from his home. The cops were retching and gagging. The smell was unreasonable. It did not bother me one bit. I was fascinated. I was sort of in love with the whole thing.

Flash forward to the incident in front of my apartment. I got my hair cut, put on the best clothes I had at the time and walked to the nearest funeral home to my apartment. ( Blank Funeral Home, but don’t print that I don’t want them getting any free press, I can tell you stories…) The funeral home was losing an apprentice in two weeks. They needed someone. I was hired. I was hooked from then on, and not just with the “body” aspect, I was hooked on the whole thing.

What does your family think about your profession?

They are very into it. Needless to say it saved me from becoming a pretty lousy drunk, well it slowed it down anyway. My family is actually MUCH more supportive than most of my friends have ever been. I think that’s because my uncle has been a mortician for years. My grandfather is a minister as well, he worked for a funeral home in his retirement as an “on call” minister. We actually have a lot of the aspects of the industry in our blood already. My wife is totally amazing about my job. I wouldn’t be able to do what I do without her support. She totally gets it.

Your schedule is 10 days on and 4 off. While you are on rotation you are on call 7 of the 10 days on and when on call, all hours of the night? (I guess the dying really don’t think about regular office hours eh?)

No. but it’s important to remember that it’s not about the dead, they can’t call me, they’re dead. It’s about who the dead leave behind. And they call me at all hours when I’m on call. Or their hospitals do, or hospice nurses, or the coroners office, or other funeral directors in other towns.

How is your time scheduled in regards to body pick up, preparations of the body, and meeting with the family? With many tasks to be completed how do you squeeze it all in?

I suppose we just do it I guess. I guess I should clarify the aforementioned schedule a little. I have a partner in crime that shares weekend responsibilities with me. Conversely, there is a team that works the opposite weekend that my partner and I do. Our ten and four schedules are then staggered out to a poin that there is always someone coming “on” as others are going “off” and the two partners are also in a three day lag with each other. Basically we take on families and responsibilities as our time “on” is allowing. We do our very best to make sure that families get a cohesive funeral director from the beginning to the end, and that is typically a 3 to 5 day process, sometimes more and sometimes less. We could not do this without a team (and keep our sanity). Smaller firms can handle less funerals per year and bigger ones more. We tend to make sure that no one is overburdened so that each family gets quality attention. We do get swamped though, and when that happens the bottom line is no sleep and lots of work.

What is your motivation? What keeps you going?

Love. Love for the people I serve. I consider myself incredibly blessed to be a part of this whole thing. I am also sickened by much of what my profession has to offer and I get to destroy that attitude everyday I come to work. My gift is that I get to be a part of a greater connection that humans tend to take for granted. It does not get any deeper than the crossroads of saying goodbye to a loved one. This profession has taught me to never take anything for granted and that keeps me pretty motivated. It sure as hell isn’t for the money.

What is your preferred form of service to offer a family?

The form will make itself known as we get to know each other. There is no one way to do things, It COMPLETELY depends on the situation I am presented with. I have personal feelings about how I think that cremation is a very dignified and civilized way of “disposal” but I would not even begin to tell someone that that method is the best or that I prefer it. It just depends on the needs of the family.

How do you keep the balance of business at hand (choices for burial) and consoling a family?

They are one and the same. Sometimes caskets actually make people feel better. Sometimes pointing out how weird caskets are makes people feel better. My ideas on consoling the family come from making a true psychological connection with that family. When we establish a trusting, honest relationship it is very easy to talk about what I need to do and what will benefit them in the way of funeral ritual. It is my job to discern what I think the family needs, based on what they tell me and what they don’t tell me as well.

Well enough formal-ish questions, let’s talk about death.

Would you agree (from your experience or personal opinion) that our western culture has a difficult time facing death? Talking about death?

Yep. Big yep. I could talk about this for hours. It’s funny though, I guess I would say western culture is bad now, but we didn’t used to be as bad, and this is actually narrowing it down to the U.S. I believe that my industry is particularly responsible for making funeral ritual harder than it could have been. An excellent source for this position is Rest In Peace: A Cultural History Of Death And The Funeral Home In Twentieth-century America -- by Gary Laderman

I would also say from experience that other cultures aside from the western are have just as difficult at time with death as westerners do.

We don’t really have a book or manual to help us understand death, yes, there is religious scripture and such that takes care of some of the population, but for the rest of us we have to struggle to deal with such a life changing (ending) concept. What are your ideas about death?

It has taken me a long time to decide that I don’t care anymore, The mystery is more beautiful than the answer will ever be. Maybe. Or maybe not. I suppose I am not scared to die at all. I am much more afraid of what happens when others die that you love. If something happened to my kids, I would just go off the deep end, I promise you that. On the other hand, If I could spare my children pain and torture with a quick and painless death, I might choose that. For me, it matters not. What love does to us changes death and makes it the ultimate separation, and you are right, there are some prescriptions that people buy that can “undo” that separation but personally I don’t buy it. (I work for people and am surrounded by people that do however so I am becoming an expert) The real thing to think about here though is that death is not really the issue. We know what death is, we are talking about what happens after it. I am not so interested in that right now, I need to focus on the here and now so that I can be present and responsible for those I serve.

Is death something to celebrate and embrace?

Is birth? I like to think that life is worth celebrating if that is possible. Birth and death are the provable time-stamps on along the line.

Are your kids old enough to understand what you do? Have you had to explain death to your boys yet?

(4) is sort of catching on. (2) is clueless. Oh yeah, and I talk about death a lot and what I do. He told some kids at pre-school that I put people in fires. I suppose we have a ways to go before he really catches on.

Board of Morticians: what is it? What is your role?

The board is appointed by the Governor. They make sure that funeral directors stay in line based on Idaho code. They inspect funeral homes and license them. They write the state board exam. My role is nil.

The rising cost of dying places an enormous amount of stress on families; I have looked at_________ prices, it does seem a bit much, it reminds me of going to the emergency room where everything is itemized. They say you can’t put a price on beauty, happiness, and so forth; can you put a price on death?

Did you look at other funeral homes prices? You will find that ours are certainly not the most expensive in town, but certainly not the least. I can tell you this. You can spend as much, or as little as you want. We live in a State that PRIDES itself on individualist rights. You don’t need to use a funeral director at all. Aside from embalming and the cremation process itself, there is no law saying you can’t do it all yourself. Jessica Mitford did the world a great service by bringing to light the world of the funeral industry, she also did the world a great injustice by not really attempting to understand it any deeper than the sensationalistic aspects. How much does it cost to be kept alive in an ICU? Is that a price to be put on death if that is the eventual result from the “failure” of the medical industry? A funeral can be as expensive as you want/need it to be.

Death seems like a profitable business, do you agree?

Shoot _________ , death is free. The repercussions can be profitable. The funeral industry will continue to do VERY well as long as they can keep the common public snowed into thinking that they need the funeral industry. Social mores and taboos are what keep the death-care industry rolling. Its not the morticians fault that think they need to do it that way. I personally believe that anyone can put together a very meaningful ritual without the funeral home getting involved. NOW, don’t get me wrong, I know that not all people are ready to deal with taking care of dealing with their own dead and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone if they are not ready for it. I am a professional, with many years of experience when it comes to the repercussions of death and the funeral ritual. Coming to me you get full use of all of those skills and I will use them to the farthest reach of my ability, whether someone wants a direct cremation or solid gold casket w/lasers and the animatronic Elvis. That is what I do to serve.

What steps have you made, if any, to challenge the costs of dying (burial/services offered)?

I make sure people always know all of their alternatives. When we are looking at urns, I assure them that they could bring me ANYTHING they might already have, or something that they might find at Pier One. It’s certainly more cost effective and always looks better than the one we give to you for free,( yes free, we are the good funeral home). But at the same time I want to point out that our urns are good too. Their bottom line is convenience and that is really what my industry is all about sometimes,

Do you know about Funeral Consumer Alliance of ______? I read somewhere that John Q public was worried about not having a non-morticians voice heard when it comes to funeral options. Do you have any comments about this?

The FCA is great. Except that they are highly uneducated about my industry.

Choices, alternative, ____Home Funerals, LLC? Any comment? Do you feel what they are doing is positive for the community?

They are breaking the law and I really don’t think they know what they are doing at all. I have had a few conversations with them and I don’t think they have any idea about what it really means to be a mortician, or plan a meaningful ritual. They are flying by the seat of their pants and I think they are very ignorant to what is really going on. I take this stuff really seriously. I hate bad funeral directors with a passion. I have taken them on head on in the legislature, (check out a little known about fight to de-educate the licensing of Morticians and Funeral Directors in this state). There are people in this city that would love to see any Joe Blow off the street doing what I do on a professional level. Can you imagine someone working for minimum wage selling caskets on commission? To a family already in dire vulnerability? I also hate it when someone sees what I do as a rip off and thinks that they can just devalue it without truly understanding what a mortician can do for a family in need.

Thank you for your time , I would like to end much like James Lipton..

What is your favorite word in the English language?

elegant

What is your favorite curse word?

fuck

What other profession would you like to try?

Pub owner

Where do you see yourself in 20 years?

As the owner of A. Mortician’s Alehouse

guilt regret embarassment

So, I’m increasingly interested in what separates us. I am mostly intrigued by this notion because I am so frustrated by it. I suppose it would be safe to say that I am mostly interested in discovering a way to bring us together. I am sickened by the course of our world, so sad about it, so depressed. Solace from the events is easy to capture, it’s just a matter of ignoring the greater problems of our world, ignorance IS bliss, but it’s no way to escape the eventualities.

I have stumbled across a neat-o website www.pandora.com . The site takes on your musical tastes and streams a similar taste based on your picks. It seems to have some pretty deep tracks and I think it is probably funded by those that want me to spend more money, (and I probably will) but not through their pathways. I will write down the artists that I have never heard and like and march down to my independent music store and buy the records.

I bring this site up because it has helped me think about isolating a discourse that no one can argue with and can only help to serve us in the end. We need to find a common denominator that allows us to think at a level we can all be on board with and proceed. Yeah, yeah, idealistic drivel, a song we’ve sung before, I know. I guess the idea I am feeling is one that starts in our hearts and moves out from there. One thing that the aforementioned site does not do is analyze lyrical content. It bases its picks on musical qualities that are similar and groups the choices in this way. That is what I believe we must do in order to find the common ground.

And let’s not take this too far. I don’t think that common ground needs to come from compromise (well yes I do, just not my compromise). There should not have to be compromise if we can come to the place that we love enough to care. 1. We need to love ourselves (personally) in order to care about another, at least healthfully care for another. 2. We need to care for others 3. We need to care for others no matter what. I think we need to be able to do these things if we care to save ourselves. If we don’t (and I don’t think we do now) we won’t accomplish a thing. To a certain degree we need to think about taste. Others may have different tastes than our own but does that mean we don’t all like to eat food in general? There are people that don’t even have enough means to eat at all; do they care fuck all about taste? Our common goals of protection in life should be the basis for our outreach and I am not sure we are anywhere near it right now. I saw a picture in the paper the other day of Israeli children writing messages on bombs headed to Lebanon. Do you think they were writing, “I’m sorry about killing you, hope this bomb finds you well – love, ________”? I doubt it. Why would kids do this? Because they are being taught this way and I personally cannot deal with that idea. We have seen the slaughter of innocents for too long and we are no longer ignorant enough as a species to claim ignorance. Personal responsibility for our actions must be realized and it should start at home. Yeah and sure this means recycling and not buying so much crap and watching so much garbage on TV but I think first and foremost it means not hitting your little brother and talking about why we love each other and establishing a dialogue at a very early age that allows the freedom to express our feelings. It means undertaking the task of figuring out who we are as people, why we got that way, and how to make ourselves better. We need to listen to the music together and figure out what makes us like it. We need to make sure that the lyrical content does not distract us from our common goal.

The ability to commit atrocity and continue a cycle of violence comes from the lack of truly loving ones own heart. The impedances of loving ones self are many. I think it is probably easier to hate and destroy than it is to love and grow. I think progress is much harder than maintenance. We seem to be doing a good job right now at achieving regression.

Requiem

I went to a memorial service for my friend yesterday. He died a couple of weeks ago. He was a really cool guy. Certainly one of the coolest I have ever known. The "service" was perfect. It was in a bar/restaurant, people spoke that knew him well. People gathered, and cried, and laughed and were present for each other. Friends came from afar. Love was felt for those alive and for the memories of those who no longer are.

My friend’s body was cremated a few weeks ago. Another funeral home took care of that responsibility. I am glad that I didn't have to. I also wish that I could have undertaken that for the family. It really didn't matter; the funeral home didn't matter very much. I am beginning to think that the funeral home in general, does not matter very much.

I have a model in my head for the future of society and its relationship with "death-care". More and more it is less and less about what I do for most people on a daily basis. I am really getting sick of not being able to say what I truly feel. I say it here but I think I am the only one that reads this anyway.

If we are going to grow, we need to let go. If we are to see the future, we need to stop living in the past.

My friend lived his life pretty fiercely, and for that, he might have left us earlier than what might be thought of as usual. The sadness of his passing (to me) is the partaking of the mass selfishness that most humans buy into during the death of a loved one. We don't want them to go because we were not finished with them yet. It's not fair because we weren't done. I had more to say to that boy and I am damn sure I wanted him to tell me more.

My friends death, along with a special family I helped this week whose baby died, (this is the second child in 1 year) has put me in the bubble. I am not seeing from the perspective of those who have not lost, I am on the inside looking out. I am feeling the loss and looking at those who have not. I preach about this perspective a lot but have not been here in a long time. It makes me question my worth. It allows me to think about the future. I am reeling from the responsibility of humanness and this burden tires me. I am depressed at the current state of things.

I love you all. I miss the ones that are dead. I will never forget the time we shot the gap on the Missouri. We screamed and thought we would surely die. The others slept. Amen.

article 1

I am publishing this post because it was/is supposed to go into a major industry journal soon. If/when it does, my cover as A. Mortican will/could be blown. I don't care anymore. I am finding myself in a strange place over the last couple of weeks. I think I might post preceedingly to this fact if I can get my thoughts down in a succinct way. I am doubting that I can.

Anyway. I apologize to you for yet again another rehashed version of what I always seem to be saying. This next spillage should shed some light as to my feelings about what a mortician should be, but at the same time, you've heard it from me before.

I have been very fortunate. I learned my skills from some of the best mentors one could have. Some were very skilled in the embalming arts. Others were compassionate. A few, who taught me the most, were terrible funeral directors that explained to me every day, in their actions and deeds, who I did not ever want to become. I have had wonderful teachers, each of which I have borrowed or stolen wisdom from and made it my own. I have taken from them and uniformly infected myself and anyone else that would listen. I got to take my time. I have been fortunate enough to slowly evolve into what I am becoming today. There were times working outside funeral service that I got to think almost solely (and soul-ly) about funeral service and how it affects me and everyone else. I was very fortunate to be able to take part in copious amounts of extra education not related to funeral service and completely apply it to funeral service. Film, literature, religion, economics, science, psychology, philosophy, and I think most importantly, art, have all been primers to what would eventually become my funeral service education. I am most fortunate now to have my home support staff, my wife and two children, whom without I could not be who I have the privilege of being today. My wife understands what I do like none of my peers ever will. She has been there and watched it take hold. She has seen me evolve and not only understands, but respects and encourages. I am very fortunate. Lastly I suppose, I am most fortunate to work where I do. I am given the free reign that I need to accomplish what I desire. I work for a family and we are a family. I am not one of their blood but they have accepted me as one of their own. We share a common goal and this binds us. We are here to serve.

Let me just start by saying that what I have to write about are simply observations. I do not really believe that what I am going to rant on about here (and border on preach) can be taught, marketed, commodified, or explained well enough to soak up and start anew. I have a need to take to task what I think is “wrong” with the way that I see many in our profession are doing business. I am not an expert in anything. No one is.

How To Be Really Good Funeral Director.

or

(Why Everything You Think Is Wrong.)

by A.Mortician

There are a few things you probably need to let go of. First off, you need to get rid of your ego. It's not about you; it's about where “you” are at. I believe the most important quality a funeral director can have is presence, and by presence I mean a few things. 1. Confidence. True confidence is not about you, it's about what you can give to them. A family needs someone who can look them in the eye and convey “I know what I am doing and I want to do it because I love and care about you” You can't tell a family that, they need to feel it. If you are not confident in that belief in yourself, you cannot do it for them. 2. Self-Esteem. If you do not love yourself, you will not be able to love anyone else. You need to love them. You need to love them even if they cold, uncaring, distanced, distrusting, dysfunctional, ego-tripping maniacs. You need to love them if they are loving, broken, devastated, lost, unknowing, or sad. You need to love them if they are broke. You need to love them if they are rich. You need to be able to have enough in yourself to be able to give some up for others. 3. Compassion. You need to be able to invest yourself into the family by way of your heart. You need to be able to care about their emotional well-being because you love them and they need you right now. They need to know you care about them. You can't tell them this; they need to feel it from your heart.

I can hear your groans from here. I can almost feel your eyeballs rolling. I ask you now; can you argue with any of what I just said in the paragraph above? I ask you now, are you doing this? Can you do it? I say that if you can't then you really don't know what you are doing and I really wish that you would find another profession. I will also say that this is certainly not an easy task and don't think that I believe that it is. Don't believe that I have these abilities at all times. I do believe that it is the bar that we need to set for ourselves if we want our profession to survive with any dignity intact.

Being present means emotionally investing ones self into the process without thinking about it. It's not hard work it's just how you get the job done. If you are truly present, and can be a part of the families grief process, rather than the inevitable middle-man that most of the public views us as, then you will help them walk down the path that you DO know something about. You have the skills and training to fill in the blanks and make the calls, you simply need to back up the cold calculating facts with your heart. If you see yourself (and maybe your state allows you this travesty) as one who is simply there to take the order and pass it on down the line to the next order taker, then I say you are not doing anyone any good at all. If you are in an assembly line mortuary that “serves” thousands of families a year, then I say you are not really a funeral director at all. You are an order taker. You are a robot. The biggest malfunction that occurs in this un-present mode of operation is that the people you are serving DO NOT know what they need. They have never done this before and if they have it was for someone else and that is not the same. It is ALWAYS different and ALWAYS must be treated as a new experience. We cannot take what “we have always done” and use it as a template for what must be done now.

Being emotionally present means crying with your family. It means that you will experience some of the pain that they are feeling. If you cannot be a part of their lives for the incredibly short time we spend with these people, how can you really understand what you are doing at all. Empathy is your best tool for understanding what a family might need from you.

How many times a month, when people find out what you “are” do they ask you “isn't that really depressing/sad”? What do you tell them? This question kills me every time because I know there is no great way of explaining it to them succinctly. Usually I tell them that I am very fortunate to be able do what I do. After you answer this question of depression and sadness, do people ever tell you that they think it takes “a very special to do what you do”? Do you believe them?

Now we can talk on and on about the state of our industry (and we will in subsequent articles if the editor chooses to keep me around) but I would like to just say a few things about why I think the above model is being ignored. When I open up any trade journal, (this one included) or go to a convention, or talk any of my “peers” I continually hear the same things; cremation on the rise, Costco caskets, discount crematories, pre-need marketing, President __________ of __________ association is very excited about the future of funeral service, marketing, marketing, marketing, Rah, Rah, Rah, Blah, Blah, Blah. Please let me stop you right there, I know it's about all those things, I know that those things are all a part of funeral service. HOWEVER, those things are insignificant in comparison to what you really “do” and this is where we lose the sponsors. Casket manufacturers do not help families in times of grief. They are simply there to fulfill a social and traditional role in the way human beings bury their dead. Cremation is another way to take care of our loved ones dead bodies, if you can't understand that or you think that it has to do with money, you are an idiot. The best marketing that you can do is an investment in yourself. If you can do that you will be able to invest in your families. That is really all that you have. Remember always that it is not about you, ever, it's about the people that you serve, twenty-four hours a day, three-hundred-sixty-five days a year. It's not about what you sell them. It's about what you give them. If you are willing to undertake that responsibility, you will prosper.

-A. Mortician