a typical day, (anonymized and recycled)

I am awakened at 3:30 AM by my pager. I climb out of bed and call the number listed on the screen. it is the number of the other funeral director that I share my “on call” duties with. He tells me that we have a “house call” and to meet him at the funeral home. we meet and then embark on a journey to a house that is somewhere in the valley. This could be anywhere from the _____of ______ to ______ to the ditch on Mile Marker 87 . If the death occurred at a hospital or care facility I would be going alone For the sake of the scenario we will say it is a house in _____. After arriving at the home my colleague and I will gather some limited information from the family present at the house and then “remove” the deceased’s body from the house. We use an ambulance-like gurney to do this. The reason we have two people go on these calls is typically because you never know where someone is going to die. Most of the time it is in a bed, but many times it can be in the tub, or on the toilet, or wedged between the toilet and the tub. Death has no preferences. During this time I will gather some info about how the family would like to proceed. Cremation? Burial? Ship-out to Texas? Direct cremation? Funeral service with the body present and cremation to follow with the ashes scattered in the _________ Wilderness area? All are options. Usually we will have the family call us in the “morning” or the next day to set up a time that we can get together and discuss these details. Again, for the sake of the scenario we will say that the family would like to meet us at 1:00 PM later that day to go over arrangements. (On Six Feet Under they call this an “intake”, I hate that. And speaking of that show, don’t let HBO educate you on how funeral homes work. While it has been amazing for the industry to finally get some light shed on it’s dark corners, it is more about a dysfunctional family than it is about funeral service. Ask me why sometime…)
So, at 4:00 AM the family told us that they would be having a traditional service with a viewing and all that jazz. We will say that we buried “Dad” 7 years ago and they want the same thing for “Mom”. We will also say that the deceased is 95 years old. That age tells me a lot most of the time. It usually means that they will have a funeral service much like everyone that age has. A minister will lead the ceremony, “The Old Rugged Cross” or “In the Garden” will be played as music. It also means that this person has probably outlived most of their friends so the service will be small. So at 4:30 AM I know I will have to embalm this person so they can be viewed at a later date. This procedure gets the best results if I can perform it as soon as I can after the person dies. Nature takes over pretty fast so if I can get ahead of those natural processes, my job is easier. (I would be happy to explain the embalming procedure in detail if anyone gives a shit, but at this time and just going to leave it alone).
At 5:30 or 6:00 I will be thinking about going home to get ready to come to work. I usually try and get to the funeral home at 8:30 or so and this day will be no different. We could have three services scheduled for the day and we need to get ready to do that so…I will go home, shower, shave put on the suit (at night I always where slacks, a tie, nice shirt and a blazer, usually not a real “suit” per se) kiss me wife and children and go back to work. When I get there we will have short meeting to discuss what may have happened during the night, what we need to do to get ready for services of the day, and any other concerns that we may have concerning business. I will be drinking copious amounts of coffee at this time.
At 1:00 PM I will meet with the family and we will begin planning the services of the deceased that I picked up nine hours ago. This is where I do most of my “work”. I don’t know how many of you might think that a mortician is someone that drives around in a meat-wagon grabbin’ bodies and embalming all day long but let me tell you now, that is actually the smallest amount of what my job consists of. What my real “job” consists of is the production of a ritualized farewell. My whole job is to construct a meaningful representation of a life lived based on what I am told and what I can gather from a family during this “arrangement conference”. Now, in the scenario that I have already offered, my hands will be somewhat tied. This family will want what “Dad” had, and that was a “traditional” funeral arrangement. This funeral is the model that has not really changed since its inception during the civil war. Person dies, body is embalmed, body is put on display for all those concerned to come and look at, body is present at the religion based funeral ceremony, body is taken (in a formal procession) to the cemetery where body is buried under religious rites. Lots of prayers, lots of scripture, lots of pomp and circumstance. This model works for those who need it, it seems to get the job done most of the time. If this person was young when they died or this person did not have “religion” this model does not work and should immediately be thrown out and different things need to take place. If the family wishes to have cremation be the final disposition of their loved one but would still like to have a service at our chapel (or anywhere) then my job changes a bit. It will be my job to help construct a meaningful ceremony without this body present. Pictures, objects, stories, anything I can get the family to tell me or offer to me will then be a part of this ritual. My new “thing” is video. I am in the process of producing memorial tribute videos that can be shown at the service to take the place of that body. Basically a slide show with cool tunes that represents the life of the deceased. I am also very interested in people speaking at the service about the life of the individual. I encourage an “open mike” time for those that can talk to do so. This is not always very easy for people to do but this is not an easy time, and it should not be. I see the funeral as a time for families and friends to work a little bit. This is why I am so opposed to “pre-planning” the funeral. In my scenario it would be very typical if the deceased already had everything taken care of before the death even took place. This would probably be ok in this situation given the age of the deceased but in the case where well-meaning people pre-plan their funerals and tell the kids “it’s all taken care of “ it can sometimes rob the survivors of the much needed “work” they need to do. A funeral is, obviously, not an easy thing to get through, but without some involvement by those that cared for the deceased, the benefit of the ritual is completely lost.
WE NEED RITUAL! American humans are almost bankrupt of it. Our rituals these days are handed to us through commodified holidays that allow us to buy our way through times that have traditionally been opportunities to get together and, at the very least, tell each other that we love each other and that we care about what is happening in our lives. Death is such a fucking taboo subject that we don’t even question it’s implications anymore. When Mom gets to old to deal with anymore you put her in a home. When she starts to die you hook her up to a feeding tube. Meat comes from the grocery store.
My day to day activity consists of writing obituaries, calling cemeteries, getting a hold of ministers to perform ceremonies, finding “that one song, you know that one that Shania sings ‘looks like we made it…da da da da da’, printing folders, calling insurance companies, filing death certificates, making sure that I have a bagpiper for Thursday, etc. all in the name of ritual. All in the hope that I can hopefully START a family on a path that allows them to say “goodbye” to a loved one. I need to inject enough of a dose of reality and ritualization that helps them begin the process letting go of someone and putting that person in a new place in their head. Or in heaven. Or back to mother earth. Wherever. I work 10 days in a row (six of those on call) and then get 4 days off.
I REALLY miss hanging out on the patio of ________ or hiding in the back of ________ drinking large quantities beer. I REALLY miss you guys and gals out there in ________ land. I need to tell you all how much I love you all. If there is one thing that this job has taught me over the years is that, (and I think we all know this pretty well) life is fragile. We are soft little creatures that smoosh easily. We need to always take the time to let the petty shit go. We need to love each other fiercely and tell each other that often.
This little tirade of mine makes me look like I am some sort of monster that does nothing but live a life of servitude and martyrdom. Let me attempt to amend this. I also have another life. I have been blessed by the arrivals of two persons in my life named ______ and ______. They are my _______ and are 3 and 1. I can’t explain to you what they means to me. The only way to find out is to find someone you love dearly and have some of your own. They are the most important things I have ever been a part of.
WHEW! Thanks for listening, and I am sorry you had to go through this with me but I have needed to do this for a long time and it feels good to get it out.